relapsed

Honestly I hate having to write it down again and tell the story all over again but it's just something I owe myself to do. So some of you might know that I had a bone marrow aspiration done 3 weeks ago, and the result of that came back last Friday on my scheduled check-up. We woke up a lil late than we usually do on that day and decided to just wing the traffic to Ampang. Turns out it wasn't so bad. After registering and giving my clinic card to the nurse, we waited and suddenly she called my name while holding 1-2 pieces of paper which she told to put into my medical book (a book all of us cancer patients probably have which holds in all the documents regarding the treatment/procedures/history of our medical situation).

The first word I saw was "RELAPSED". It was my b.m.a test result from 3 weeks ago, which I had done without any pain or stress at all and even went shopping at Mimpi Kita and run business errands till late at night. And I even hosted a soiree that Sunday, a very last minute preparation which only me & Naz had done all the preparation ourselves. I got into a slight fever after that, which I thought was probably the aftermath of not getting enough rest, and Naz said my body was probably in shock out of the b.m.a procedure whatnot. I got better from the fever, took a week off from doing business(yeah right) and went to fashion shows the whole week. I felt fine! Although Naz did say I sleep a lot more than I used to.

Anyways back to that moment when I saw the word "RELAPSED". I was in total shock. Relapse means;

A relapse (etymologically, "who falls again") occurs when a person is affected again by a condition that affected him, or her, in the past. This could be a medical or psychological condition

I honestly did not see it coming, I've been happy I'm doing fine, albeit a lil stressed up over some business stuffs but but I'M FINE! Tears came streaming out like it would never end, I cried softly though at the waiting area even though I know people were watching. All these people probably has fatal diseases as well but none wore bright yellow like I did, none wore native prints feeling like a warrior diva like I did. I came there to be in charge of my disease, and it just didn't happen. I cried and I cried and Naz tried to console me saying we need to hear what the doctor has to say, it's premature to make out our own understanding but you see, I have the result in my hands; if it should be otherwise then the fact should be written otherwise!

After getting my blood taken for check, we went for breakfast. I just really couldn't think straight. I can't even look at Naz in the face and tell him I'm gonna be okay. Gone were all my positive thinking bullshits. You see, in my mind even before this happened, I see my friends in the leukemia/lymphoma ward getting relapse and they... didn't really, come through. So I had my mind set about it and I never even predicted that it would happen to me. I know ACUTE means it's a much stronger faster cancer but but .... honestly, I have no words.. I tweeted a lil bit about it, and came a rush of warm loving tweets from whoever was reading. That made me cry more. That I can't say to them I'm gonna be okay and it's alright I'll be positive about it just coz I'm not feeling it anymore.

Then came the appointment with the doctor, he looked at me & Naz knowingly. He explained my condition, that my cancer blasts is now 12%, my platelet is very much lower than normal (which means I could bleed myself to death if it so happens that I cut myself or have any bleeding), my white blood cells were around 2.xx (normal people 4 - 11 if I'm not mistaken) and red blood cells were also lower than normal. The doctor explained the medical options I have which was to go straight for chemo and most possibly transplant later on. Stronger chemo coz obviously all the 4 types of chemo I had previously did not work on me. Well it only worked for awhile I suppose. I'm not as much worried about the chemo as I am about the transplant. You see, I need someone who has the same blood dna as I am and so far, we've tested my siblings (which should have a match since my father's blood dna x my mom's blood dna = my siblings and me) but to no avail I only have partial match with them, I've also checked with Singapore & Taiwan's stemcell/blood dna donor database (or something like that, dont remember it's formal name) and they found a partial match for cord blood and the doc I'm seeing right now does not recommends cord blood coz the quantity is not enough for an adult and most possibly will be fatal. So you know, I'm scared! A patient I know who went into transplant using her brother's stemcell as donor which was a perfect match, went into relapse quickly after the transplant and didn't make it! And she was one of the strongest most positive person I've ever known, Naz asked the doctor about her and he knows her, the late Kak Nazura. She used to reside across my bed and she's the first person who greeted me on my first day in the ward.. and now, she's... gone.

I really don't want a transplant coz there's a lot of risk, risk of infection which may lead to death, risk of GVHD , a graft versus host disease a.k.a a chance of my body rejecting the donor's stemcell and then death, and the aftermath of transplant that I probably can't walk in the sun (my skin would be overtly sensitive of UV, no I don't glitter), I have to really take care of what I eat, I probably can't work just as hard on Schanaz/SHOP SPUTNIKSWEETHEART, I can't join my girls for outdoor activities and so on so on. Not to mention there's still chances of relapse after the transplant.........

I'm done asking myself why does this happens to me. I just wanna live more, I wanna have babies with Naz, I wanna grow old with him and take our Ilham, Insyirah, Zamrud or Nilam to fashion shows or travel around the world, and have their uncle Angah and aunt Tina & Shuz teach them some music, aunt Adriani teach them Japanese language and so on.. And thinking that I might not get to do those things just breaks my heart into sands. I couldn't even look Naz in the face. I know that's the least of things that he was probably thinking but this disability just made me feel less of a woman being around him.

Anyways, we were supposed to fly to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah on Friday evening supposedly after my doctor's appointment for a mini holiday/honeymoon. I was gonna meet my baby niece Aufa for the first time, and Adam & Adrina too. But we were thinking that it's best to go meet my mom in Perak instead. Naz called my sister in Sabah, and my mom in Perak coz I couldn't even hear their voice without probably breaking into a messy flood. He was such a gentleman about it although he nearly forced me to call my other sisters which I didn't and just texted. He did not cry not one bit, not infront of me so far. And he is truly my pillar of strength.

We did an impromptu doa selamat luncheon yesterday at my mom's, which was actually scheduled for May but had to change the dates coz I'll be going into the ward on 3rd May and since this is gonna be a stronger chemo, I'm probably gonna stay for 5-6 weeks inside. I no longer have any personal insurance left, and I hope Sony won't quit me coz I still need their RM9k per year insurance. It's not much but it will do. Kids, as soon as you start working buy the most pricey insurance you can get for yourself; you won't regret it (find the ones that can turn into savings if you don't claim it) and parents as soon as your baby is born buy them the most covered insurance you can get coz you'll never know.

Naz & I asked for an extension before going in for chemo coz I needed time for myself, and time with him, family & friends. If it's up to the doctor I'd have to check in immediately. I'm glad Naz delayed it a little for me coz it's still such a shocking news and I need more than 24-48 hours to adjust. I need to get my head back in the game and fight for my life again, get connected more with the Creator and fix my relationships with people around me. I didn't expect I would have to go through this again, but I'm just gonna live my life as usual. Hopefully Shop SputnikSweetheart won't have to close even when I'm not around, Naz found a part-time worker for me. I hope she's diligent, dandy and trustworthy. My mom is gonna take care of me at the hospital, AGAIN. Can't express how ashamed I am to have to ask for her help at my age, I probably can do it on my own but no one is letting me -_-", and Naz's mom gonna take care of him while I'm receiving treatment. Atleast he won't be eating outside so much and be alone as much when I'm not around.

Please, the only thing I ask for is for you to pray for my health. I'm not done contributing to the world. I probably haven't even started being a good daughter, the best wife and a kind friend to people that matters. I need to get through this. Again...

Tell me happy stories, take my mind off this I beg of you..

p/s: I have ACUTE MYLEOID LEUKEMIA, previous cancer updates;

EDIT: "Thank you so much everyone for all the kind & thoughtful and some were funny comments/emails/tweets/fb or text messages. I have no words.. Although I can't reply to them all individually as it might break another messy flood of tears but all were read and warm love received ♥ Thank you so much again for reading & spending your time to send over some thoughts & care :) I'm feeling much positive, it does takes time to adjust my head but I'm getting there, slowly... If you would like to send me some help, do help purchase the items I'm selling over at SHOP SPUTNIKSWEETHEART. I won't accept contributions, instead I will trade my best service and brand new goods for money like any normal businesses. It would mean a lot to me.. Thank you once again."